Troops Rally Behind Hegseth After Confirmation Hearings Prove He’s One of Them

Secretary Hegseth, fresh out of a Senate DRB-style grilling, has become the most relatable Secretary of Defense in history. Critics don’t realize they’ve made him a legend among troops: multiple divorces, a GWOT deployment, sexual assault allegations, and rumors of drunken stripper escapades? He’s basically the patron saint of port calls.

Hegseth cemented his status by pardoning every sailor on restriction, calling it a “soft breakout”, much like your ADOC hook up. He’s also replacing mandatory training with a single slide reading, “don’t be retarded,” and rumors suggest DTS now accepts AMEX lounge bar napkins as a valid travel receipt. The troops have never been prouder.