Navy Confirms At Least 46,000 Losers Left in America after Meeting FY24 Recruiting Goal

For the first time since 2007, the U.S. Navy has reached its (lowered) recruiting goal. Their ingenious strategy? Get rid of standards entirely! After all but waiving the ASVAB and any actual physical standards, the Navy found 46,000 people left in America (also Mexico and the Philippines) with literally no other option for work than being confined in an industrial environment at sea for months at a time during peacetime.

“I’m really proud of the work our recruiters have done.” Said Rear Admiral (Bottom Half, always) Iam Thtoopid, in an interview to the Piggieback. “This year, we recruited over 1,000 sailors with 1.5 mile run times higher than their ASVAB scores, which helped us meet our recruiting quota. I call that progress.”

However, not everyone is happy. Captain Gitme Outtahere lamented the drop in standards. “I don’t know how these fucking kids are getting past boot camp, but I’ve separated more sailors than I have MAPd since I took command.”

At press time, a SWO with the situational awareness of a naked mole rat just decided to sign for DHRB, all but guaranteeing he’ll have command of a warship one day – one with enough firepower to start a another small war in the Balkans.