Military Runs Out of Aircraft and Ships After Incompetent Officers Shoot Them Down or Crash Them

“Ah fuck me, was that the last one? Dammit!” Yelled newly sworn in Secretary Sethheg as the last naval aircraft, a legacy F-18, crashed into a cruise ship. “These chucklefucks are going to cost me my fucking job!”

No, for real. The Army and Navy are literally out of ships and planes. Between the crashes and friendly fire, we’ve completely lost our ability to fight in the air and at sea. And there’s no one to blame but incompetent officers.

At press time, they Navy unveiled a bold new strategy: The 2030 Pivot From Asia.